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What am I worth?

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For two hours I sat in my empty bathtub in the pitch black. It was completely silent and for some odd reason I started to feel safe. I couldn’t see anything. I could only feel my bare feet against the cold tile and the tears drying up on my face. At that moment I never felt more alone in my life. I convinced myself that no one cared about me and the only one who had my back was myself.

The bath faucet was dripping as I went crazy thinking about how much I hated myself. There were so many thoughts going through my brain at once. I felt like I was drowning and there was no way to get out.

For a while I was suffering in silence and told no one that I was experiencing signs of depression. I was only in eighth grade at the time and dealt with many emotional breakdowns. There were times where I would find no motivation. It became harder and harder to wake up in the morning to do the bare minimum.

I struggled with accepting failure and learning how to move on, always beat myself up and wonder why I couldn’t just be someone else. I broke myself down and destroyed my self confidence. At that age it took a long time for me to learn how to love and take care of my body.

It wasn’t until I hit high school that started gaining some of my confidence back. I slowly recovered the mentality of not caring what others thought about me. Thinking like that only lasted until the beginning of my sophomore year until my mindset did a 180. I would wake up everyday thinking about who I was going to impress and what girl I was going to look better than. Not only did that hurt me but it made my depression quietly creep back into my life. I was miserable again and I didn’t have any time to look in the mirror and start respecting myself.

Eventually I was right back to where I started. I had to really open my eyes and see the big picture. I knew I needed outside help from somebody who wasn’t my parents. They knew what I was going through but I figured they wouldn’t truly understand. I honestly just wanted someone to sit down and listen to how I feel. It was only right that I speak up for myself and get help.

I’ve had several therapists in my life as a child but I never opened up to any of them. I thought if I could talk someone younger they could understand my pain. After searching frantically for a new therapist in the area I ended up right in Flower Mound with a woman by the name of Tiffany.

She had thin long brown hair and pale skin with a slight tan. We were both close to the same height of 5’1 but I was a little taller.

I was intimidated at first by her office since it was connected to several law firms. The waiting room was all brown with only a few couches. It gave off a mysterious vibe. As soon as I sat down, my palms immediately became sweaty. I was hoping this would be the last time I would have to change therapist. I didn’t want to endure the pain of retelling my story all over again.

Eventually we got to know each other more and she taught me how to look at how much value my life holds. She reminded me who I’m living for and what the future could possibly look like. Over and over she said, “Think about the things you can do to better yourself.” That quote stuck in my head and has stayed with me forever.

I used it and have done exactly what she said. Three years later and I’m on my way to college to pursue my dreams. Taking a step back and working on self love can put you in a position to be a better version of yourself. You’ll finally understand the meaning of life and what you’re truly worth.

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Marcus High School's Online Publication
What am I worth?