Valentine’s Day can be difficult for single people, so much that there is even a movement to introduce a second holiday that falls on Feb. 15: Singles Awareness Day or SAD. This year, if you find yourself alone and wanting to fit in with your taken friends, use this guide to create a fake significant other.
1. Name your ‘other’ carefully
When beginning this deceptive process, it is important to be creative. Your friends and family will smell the lies from a mile away if your fake sweetheart is “Megan from Canada.” If you’re trying to squash any doubt of your new significant other being real, give them a creative, gender-neutral name. Do this by naming them after the first object you see. For example: “Expo,” as in Expo Marker, or “Kindness,” from the inspirational poster on your math teacher’s wall that pictures a monkey hanging from a tree.
2. Shower yourself with gifts
Make sure everyone knows you are definitely in a loving partnership by loudly reading fake love notes to yourself in public places. If you need some inspiration, here is an example:
Dear Self,
You are so cool and fun. You are also intelligent and creative. Everyone should be friends with you. I am so happy that I am your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Love,
Rolling Chair.
Additionally, you can send yourself candy grams or carry big bouquets of flowers around school all day. Make sure to announce loudly that the love of your life bought you these gifts, and try to forget the fact that you spent $7.99 on a bouquet of carnations from Target only to carry them around yourself. Happy shopping!
“…some social media stalking is sure to happen. The simple solution is to create a fake profile for them.”
3. Social media
Once your friends and family think you are in a relationship, they will want to know more about your significant other. Therefore, some social media stalking is sure to happen. The simple solution is to create a fake profile for them. Make sure that every post on their profile is exclusively a confession of their love for you. For example, if the picture is a sunset, the caption could be “The sun will never set on our love.” Awww!
4. Bask in the fruits of your labor
By Valentine’s Day, it will be extremely hard for your loved ones to believe that any sane person would go through so much work to convince the world they are taken. Now it is time for a romantic Valentine’s date with your significant other. Sit in the parking lot of your nearest Olive Garden inside your 2003 Honda Civic and take a selfie, making sure to get that beautiful logo in the background as if you are about to meet your special someone for a romantic dinner for two. Finally, make sure to stay out for an hour or so and don’t reply to any texts while everyone thinks you’re on a date. During this time, you can visit Walmart and eat heart-shaped, pre-packaged sugar cookies in the parking lot by yourself while listening to Adele.
5. Time to be SAD
On Feb. 15, announce that you and your significant other have sadly decided to part ways, but their love will remain close to your heart forever. Now, everyone will either give you their condolences or be too terrified to talk to you at all. Either way, congratulations, you’re in the clear! Now you can wallow in your sadness with all of the other single people on Singles Awareness Day. Buy yourself some half-price chocolate at Tom Thumb, listen to Coldplay and hug your pillow for comfort. Good job on making the most of two holidays!
