Consistency is key. 

I avoided all the mirrors I saw. No vanities. No phone cameras. No reflections off the top of a cup of water. I hated looking at myself. The only time I saw me was at night, right before bed, everyone asleep, knowing no one but me could witness my hideousness. It was the worst part of my day, but I couldn’t skip a single night. I wouldn’t risk it. 

Consistency is key.

My skincare routine was carefully curated, never missing a single step so that my face wouldn’t be so screwed up. But, honestly, it already was. Horrifically. Disgustingly. Painfully. It was unrecognizable and red and swelling and sore. Pustules and boiling zits covered my entire face from neck to hairline, like a mask that fits perfectly. Except it wasn’t removable. This was my skin. 

I start my routine. Rinse, wash, repeat. Apply, rub, make sure you don’t bleed. I researched as much as I could. 

What causes acne? What products make it worse? How to fix your face? Why do I look like this?

A skincare influencer lived in my mind reminding me of the do’s and the don’ts and the maybe’s and the absolutely-not’s.

I remembered everything. 10% benzoyl peroxide cleanser, 0.5% salicylic acid toner, 2% hyaluronic acid serum. Don’t use a cream moisturizer, use a gel one, especially for oily skin. Remember to always double cleanse. Pat, don’t rub your face when drying and ditch the cotton pillowcases, buy a silk one. Avoid touching your face, don’t eat grease, drink more water. Don’t do your skincare routine in the bathroom, and wash your face right after you shower because your pores are open, and, wait, don’t use this serum because people on TikTok say it’s bad. Now they’re saying to use another one instead, but read the reviews first and check the ingredients. What do I buy? What do I use? What is this all worth? Will it even work at all?

Months of constant care. Methods, products, never a night or morning missed. I tried to believe consistency is key. Yet, still zero progress, zero improvement, and it feels like it’s only getting worse. Consistency is key, but persistence isn’t plastic surgery or a dose of accutane.

It got so bad that touching my own face felt like I had knives for fingers, and my face was inflamed and sore for days on end, where the blood just sat on the surface with nowhere to go. It  looked like I was horribly sunburnt in the middle of November.

No one ever commented on it, which I assumed was because everyone knows better than to point out things someone would obviously be insecure about. Of course I see the disaster of the face I own, no one has to remind me of it. I don’t even have to see it either; I can feel the pain. It’s not an interesting birthmark or a cool scar. It’s a type of mark that people thank God for not having, and then look away out of respect. “At least I don’t have it as bad as her,” I was sure they thought when they looked at me.

I look at the mirror, my insides burning from hatred, burning even hotter than the pimply inflammation on my face. I don’t know who I see. I hope to find myself underneath the texture, the blemishes, and the blistered skin, but it blankets my features. I look away. I’m deformed. I’m ugly. I don’t look like myself. I forgot what I truly looked like, and who knows if I will ever remember again? 

But, despite the intense hatred and the frustration of pain, some part of me that is still clean and clear, reminds myself over and over and over again that consistency is key. It tells me that I should trust that time will tell, and consistency will serve me well. So I try. I’ll stick with my routine because I am perseverant. I will let myself hate myself because I will soon find the value in what I lack. I will be consistent in the pain I endure because it will soon prove my strength. I believe that what has attempted to fill my life with inconsistencies and imperfections is not permanent, and the point of being consistent is to wait for inevitable change. 

I look back at the mirror, and I remember. I remember I am who I am, because a mask doesn’t change who’s underneath. Consistency is key, so I try to stay consistent, not with what I look like, but in who I am.